Monday, January 30, 2012

Evaluation of my time with domestic Paganism

I have come to embrace the fact that my magickal development has come to a sluggish, if not completely halted, growth. I have become unsatisfied with the lack of development within myself this past year, both magically and mundane. In the mundane (which extends into the magickal), much of the lack of development comes from hesitation. We have been preparing to move since September of last year and at the end of every month, it has had to be postponed until the next month for reasons that are beyond our control. And here we are, coming to the end of January with a more solid hope of moving by next weekend. I have had boxes packed and lined against the walls for what seems like forever. Most of my books have been packed since around October, as well as my winter clothes, with the expectation of having them unpacked before the first snows came.

I have also come to realize that what little I have been relying on for my magical development has not completely been right for me. I follow a few domestic Pagan blogs and people, but have found that, though they sometimes have interesting things to read and discuss, it all seems to be less core to my spiritual needs. Not that it's their job to enlighten me, it's just that I thought domestic Paganism was something my path contained, almost by a mandatory thought that domestic works were supposed to be a part of Paganism. Obviously, that is not the case, though it does feel that it has become increasingly popular to be a domestic Pagan housewife in larger Pagan circles, as well as in regards to newer Pagan reading materials. But this is entirely not for me, and it has come to the point that I can admit this to myself. Nothing about the idea of being a domestic Pagan sounds very appealing, and most of the domestic Pagans I do still read and follow hardly ever post on such matters anyway. It almost feels like a farce. Even the word "domestic" leaves an unsavory taste in my mouth. It's definitions and associations with being tame or docile, sedentary, and the idea of a clean home being of fairly high importance sounds remarkably dull to me. None of these are even close to being my ideal choice of living.

So, why did I come to the conclusion that a domestic path was what I should be on? The fault came from a far recess in my brain that likes to play with my fears: anxiety. The idea that I had reached one of my life goals and also managed to find a great man in the process made it feel like it was my turn to do "my time" for achieving those joys. That there was some societal expectation of a price to pay for the happiness I had been given and, since I had taken one step, I was now forced to take on the whole concept of "settling down" which includes the "logical" step towards breeding. For these dilemmas, I thought it natural to turn to the domestic witchery side of Paganism to learn and adapt.

However, over the past year, nothing there eased that awkwardness and anxiety and it was only after reading a messy-embracing lifestyle post (that I sadly cannot find and ironically was posted my a domestic Witch) that I realized all these assumptions about me, my life, and my supposed roles are all a bunch of coffee grinds. I'm not a clean freak, a morning person, a kid person, a homeschooler, a family organizer, a parent, or a "grown-up". I enjoy playing video games, making things, reading, learning, a well placed f-bomb, drinking, having sex, being inspired, communing with Nature and her Gods and Goddesses, contemplating and analyzing the world and all she has to offer. I want so much more than a tidy house with a family and small garden to be my realm. It all screams social standards and expectations that are constrained with a hint of dated stereotypes. I want outside of the lines and perfect shapes, outside of the squares and patches.

I want to commune with my ancestors, the spirits, and the energy of Nature. I want to know more, to feel more, and to experience more. The hearth is important, but, for me, there are more baser, stripped, raw, natural, and freeing methods to establish it than through domestic routes. I thank the Divines for their inspiration to evaluate my path.

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